The Style Invitational Week 958 Do weller with
wellerisms
By Pat Myers,
Published: February 9
“We’ll have to rehearse that,” said the
undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car.
“It was a night to remember,” said John
Bobbitt’s ER surgeon.
It’s called a wellerism,
after two witty characters named Weller in Dickens’s “Pickwick Papers.” It’s a
sentence that starts with a quote, often a short proverb, and goes on to include some
sort of wordplay on something in the quote. Stuart Rogers of Toronto saw the
first example above in a recent contest from A.Word.A.Day; he figured that the
Invitational Losers might do better. Or weller. So, in honor of Dickens’s
bicentenary this month, let’s give it a try. This, like the similar Tom Swifty
genre, is a pretty easy contest to come up with something for; the trick is to
make it novel, perhaps timely, and especially clever.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a trophy that’s
arguably even nicer: this little pewterish bucking horse whose hindquarters are
on a spring; it’s basically a bobblebutt. Donated by Such a Loser Craig
Dykstra.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 13;
results published March 4 (March 2 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant
per week. Include “Week 958” in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your
entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by
Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Brad
Alexander. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 954, in which we asked for jokes ending “. . . and then the
fight started.” Not all that surprisingly, only a few entries transcended the
“Lockhorns”-type mean-spouse digs that the genre is known for.
The winner of the Inker
Mechanic: “Your car’s engine
is in bad shape. But it’s kind of hard to explain.”
Customer: “Go ahead. I’m an
engineer.”
Mechanic: “Well, lady.
Basically Mr. Vroom Vroom is verrrry sick . . .
And then the fight started
. . . (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
2. Winner of the books “Go to
Hell” and “Fart Proudly”:
Religious guy: “What will
save this country is the Peace of God.”
Secular guy: No, no, we need
a peace based on rational principles of self-preservation.”
And then . . .
(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
3. Barack Obama: “I
. . .”
And then the fight started.
(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
4. “Turn right at the next
corner,” Siri said, but my car’s navigation system interrupted and said, “Turn
left.”
If Siri had eyeballs, she
would have rolled them. “Dashboard lady,” she said, “where did you get your
maps? Did Vasco da Gama have a garage sale?”
And then . . .
(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Joust kidding: Honorable mentions
Watching schoolkids go by, a
Southern Baptist groused to the man next to him, “I can’t believe the clothes
they allow children to wear.”
“And don’t get me started on
the swearing and blasphemy,” the man replied.
“Yup,” seconded the Southern
Baptist. “You’ll never see my children involved in such sinful activity.”
“Mine, neither,” replied the
man enthusiastically, “Praise Allah.”
And then . . .
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
I noticed that some people at
the movie didn’t see where the bad guy was hiding, so I helpfully swirled my
laser pointer at the bush on the left . . . (Martin Bancroft,
Rochester, N.Y.)
Wife: “Just look at all these
wrinkles! I’m so depressed! I want a facelift.”
Husband: “Wouldn’t an iron be
cheaper?”
And then . . .
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Woman, waving her diamond
ring: “Look, I’m engaged!”
Co-worker: “Well, if you let
a guy ride the clutch enough times, he’ll eventually get it right.”
. . . (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Woman: “Ewww, what do people
see in necrophilia?!”
Husband: “I don’t know, but I
can relate.”
And then . . .
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
“My shrink thinks I’ve hated
my mother since the day I was born!” my wife informed me.
“Hey, a lot of people started
hating her that day,” I said. . . . (Robert Schechter)
“Do I still float your boat”?
“If my boat were the Costa
Concordia.” . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
They’re celebrating their
fifth-anniversary at dinner. As they start on dessert, they suddenly say,
simultaneously, “I have something important to tell you.”
Again they say
simultaneously, “ You go first.”
So, once more at the same
time, they tell each other: “I just found out I’m pregnant.” / “I just found
out I’m sterile.” . . . (Elizabeth Miller, Vienna, Va., a First
Offender)
The sign said it was a
country music club, so I asked to hear some music from the country of Pakistan.
. . . (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)
Next week: Twits’ twist, or A sick crew’s wisecracks